Young Man Blues

I am the Pharisees, a hypocrite, a blind man. I have built a damn around my heart and it is too strong for me to knock it down. It is so large and daunting. Behind it lies pride and anger, malicious intent and lust. Prosiac walls stand strong againt creative redemption, or atleast the idea of it. But it is more than an idea. It is the shedding of blood, it is the remission of sin, it is the picking up of a similar cross and walking into death, to be raised in new life. It is writing this and testing my heart against the words, only to see that both are so shallow, so emerged in this world. I have been enculturated. I have whored myself with darkness. But there is a light. Where is it? The darkness seems so powerful, so vast, like an endless, grey, and monotonous sea. I think i can begin to see the light. I beg for the damn to be destroyed. "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Remove the veil.

I desire attention. I think of God as a lense in which I can better myself unto glory. I am a habitual sinner. I lust after sex. I am a murderer, an adulterer. I hate my brother. I rage. I am guilty of saying "raca" to my brothers and sisters.

Where can I learn to become good again? Because God feels so foreign to me. I feel like I am the exception to grace. I long for completion. Teach me surrender, O Lord. My dirty sould pants for Living Water. Remove the Veil! Remove the Veil! Remove the Veil!

Teach me, for I am just a child.