Screwtape

"You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-- to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtual as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."


maybe...or maybe not...but always maybe, and that seems like it might be enough in some sense of the word.

There was a dream and a vision, there was today and tomorrow

Where do we go from here?


Clouds settle on a mountain. I am above them. This is what I saw, who can refute that? "Unsocial sociability" is what Kant said about history, "cunning of reason" for Hegel. We all see it but we hardly ever realize it.

In actuality, I am standing in a place that knows no surroundings. The path is there, but I can barely see it.

I squint harder. Where are my glasses?

in England.

"Being and Nothingness"

Its a weird feeling to admit to yourself. Knowing that you really do share some similar qualities, feelings, and/or thoughts with someone or some people that you wish to categorize as "other." Its something I find myself fighting against on larger, national, regional, and global scales, but when they are your neighbors or just old friends, it becomes a lot easier to consider them alien to yourself. I'd like to take away their validity (as if I can do that) to be completely honest. In some aspects, I wish not to know them. I think somewhere, somehow down inside of myself I possess what could be called "coolness" or "realness" because when I look in the mirror its what I tell myself, but after looking at another's blog, I find that "the mirrors lie, those aren't my eyes." I only possess humanity. And so do they.

If I am really honest, which in most cases I'm not, then I will admit that I have gone through this before, only to lose interest in bettering myself. It is from that point that I forget what I just learned, and fall back into infancy, or something of the sort. Comma Splice.

So old friends, I think we may be more connected than you or I'd like to admit. You distance yourself from the world, living in a fictitious land of dreams you claim as your own - which inevitably perpetuates you perceived freedom, and I, well, I distance myself from your perceived freedoms only to perceive myself free in other ways. "I cannot be free to, without being free from." Looks like we are both chained.

Question: Does choosing to limit your freedom negate your true, acausal, personal freedoms? To be free to choose limitations would therefore presuppose you have negative, anti-deterministic freedoms. Okay, stop thinking.


1. I am alone now, at least for a few days. Dancing Goats and Arabic literature. Thoughts of you and questions that arise from myself. All in a day's work, or so they say. Fair enough.

2. I am willing to sacrifice much to wait this one out. I don't think I have anything worthy of that task. There is a mountain there, with clouds hung low. Dreams and visions are born. Watch me summit. Watch me rise. There is no god there. No, He is here...

I open my eyes and wait.

E. Texas Ave.

Your house chased smells of sweets and cakes,
strolled down around the bend.
After rain, rising, springing.
Aspiring to be a hill.
I'd hang my hat in Hartford union.
Strolling down the way to River Park, around the bend.
Like gentle stemmed flowers we bloomed where we planted,
so seasonal like sand.
I'd hang my head in.

The Promise Ring

Tender and Aloof

I

“What did you do to your hair?”

“What did you do to your hair?”

It’s so much longer now.

“…Only when you’re not there,”

If you could feel what I feel,

Then you’d see I don’t care.

II

Speak, spoken, spoke, tired of you old slowpoke!

Don’t speak to her like that! Don’t speak to her like that!

These words mean nothing when you run from your folks!

I wish you knew what it meant to have nothing to say.

I just wish you knew I said something.

III

My friends, those old blue heelers,

Watch them kick and scream, bark and dream.

If you see them starve, if you see them steal…

Their paws to the dirt, but their stares to the stars,

Fur all wet, growls all real

They’re not tender, their hearts aren’t tame.

Slights of hand, they’ve been reclaimed

By solar flares and lucid dares,

Catch ‘em if you can,

But

You

Wont.

Ida and the thoughts of being idle

Lyrics to Post Prom Disorder :
"some days are heavy and some days are mean
some days fall somewhere in between
today i would like to tear you apart at the seams

taking a plane is the worst kind of day
holding your breath in the sky
you should never write a letter that high

speaking my mind is not what i do best
but i have to get this all off my chest
open this window and hope that these words will fly

but hey what does it matter now
cause turning back pages is not something time will allow
but wait i never got to say
you were digging into me and then you just got away

so how can you say that i'm wasting time
after all of the years i have spent trying to fill up the hole
that you left sitting there in my heart

and i'm taking it back
and i'm making it mine
i am still trying

oh ohhhh oh

some days are heavy and some days are mean
some days fall somewhere in between, in between"



I don't really know what to do when i look at this anymore...

I just want some rest

I hate to look at my bed. I hate cutting apples, and shopping at whole foods. I hate making breakfast or making food. I hate vegan delights and delicious fried tortillas. I hate hummus and falafel. I hate cool soaps and skipping class on rainy days. I hate naps and talking for 24 straight hours. I hate all of these things because I love them.

I love them in one specific context.

and that is,

with

you.