Great Sadness

No matter how far to the left or to the right that I move, my brokenness always seems to follow. No matter how close in proximity to the Father I am (or think I am), it always rears its ugly head. My lust for independence, for inalienable rights, has created a chasm between the Creator Who Is Always Near and me, who seems to run as far the other way as I can go (which in reality is probably a lot shorter of a distance than I think). I am so perplexed by the love of one who did not deserve death, yet gave himself to be sin so that I could once again be righteous in my Father's sight. I know that this stuff isn't new to me, but in a way, in a much more real way, it is. What I thought at one time I knew so well, I realize that I never knew, and will never fully know. I deeply long for an intimate relationship with the one who paid a high price for my life (I still feel that I must constantly try and buy it back with my ill attempts at holiness).

"as deep calls out to deep".... I feel it within my heart, the constant whispering of forgiveness and reconciliation, redemption and acceptance, love and peace, mercy and grace. Although I must admit that it is often drowned out by my own screaming, the screaming that is chocked full of lies about damnation and loneliness, about my life not being redeemable, about HIM not loving me (and often I believe it, and I believe that often times we mistake what is loud for what is true).

The Fourth of July recently passed. All I can say that we must remember the Iraqi children who are not safely shooting off fireworks (you might say, of course not, they don't celebrate July 4th... whatever), or going to school, or playing with their families and friends, Many of them do not have those things anymore. I will not celebrate American imperialism, or the flag. I will pledge my allegiance to the only one who can bring peace, Yeshua.


I have much to learn. My heart is a mess.